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Progress Report

May 4, 2008

It occurred to me the other day that it’s been a while since I had made my list of goals to accomplish during my sabbatical from infertility treatment. I haven’t blogged much about my progress, other than on the pooch hunt front. I thought it was time to take stock on how I’ve done so far.

I’ll list them this time from easiest to hardest:

* Learn some new distracting skills. I think I want to learn jewelry making and how to play bridge. Luckily, our local school district offers classes in both.

I have looked into these options. Unfortunately, the bridge lessons through the local school district this summer are offered at the senior citizen time of 1-3pm on Mondays. Not an option. The American Contract Bridge League has listing of master teachings all over the country and I have talked with my friend to see if she’s still interested. The jewelry making classes through the school didn’t look that interesting, but I’ll keep looking, probably at local bead stores.

* Limber up.

I’ve been walking like it’s going out of style, but I haven’t started yoga since my ovaries are still not back to their usual selves. Friday was an excellent reminder of this.

* Read, read, read. I’m seriously behind in my magazine reading (I subscribe to the Atlantic which I love, but I’m still on October 2007’s edition – and it’s a monthly!) and I’m still on a quest to enhance my literature repertoire. For example, Great Expectations has been sitting in my nightstand drawer for years and I still haven’t read it.

I’m slowly catching up! I’m almost finished with my March editions of New York magazine and I finished the October 2007 Atlantic. Unfortunately, the 11 books I bought at a used book sale a few weeks ago have been added to the pile, thus increasing my overall reading deficit. I anticipate clearing out a huge magazine backlog on the flights to and from Paris.

* Get a pooch. We have two of the most adorable kitties on the planet (seriously, mine are way cuter than yours. Really.), but I’ve always wanted a dog. We have gone to the shelter twice now in search of The One and so far, no luck. But we are in no hurry and we know that we’ll find The One eventually.

I have narrowed down the choices of where I want to adopt from to organizations that do a lot of background on the prospective adopter and matching the dog with the person and vice versa. My friend also found a dog who is available through another rescue organization who she thinks would be perfect for us – I looked at his pics online and he is absolutely precious. If he’s still available for adoption after we get back from Paris, we’ll go meet him and see if he is the One for us. If not, we’ll go to the Golden Retriever rescue organization.

Oh, and my kitties are still way cuter than yours. Really. Although I have to admit that Tigger is awfully cute, jp.

*Reconnect with Sweetie in areas other than infertility. Without a doubt, infertility has strengthened our marriage, but so many of our conversations these past few years have been about the trials and tribulations. We are starting to talk more about non-infertility plans and futures. I want to continue with that.

I think we’ve been making great progress on this one. We’ve been taking almost daily walks together in the evenings and just talking about work, life, kitties, etc. And it’s been wonderful. We have also talked about infertility, our losses and the path forward. But those conversations are not the only ones we have these days. They are just a few of many.

* Learn how to be happy with what I have, not what I want. I have no problem with this with respect to material things like cars, houses, etc. I don’t covet my neighbor’s Yukon (particularly not with these gas prices) and I don’t want the giant house down the street (its disproportionate). But, when it comes to pregnancy and babies, I can’t seem to get past the envy and WANT.

This one’s been a hard one. I won’t lie. And, I can’t say that I have found the answer on how to achieve this for me. But, I’ve been working on it. Part of it has been focusing on living in the now which helps me focus on what I have, as opposed to what I don’t. I’ve also been able to step back and realize how lucky I am in other areas of my life. It’s not just lip service to say that I have a wonderful marriage, a beautiful home and a good job. I am learning to appreciate those things for what they are. If for whatever reason we don’t end up having children, this will be a particularly important skill.

This question also fits in with my last goal:

*Be more comfortable with pregnant women. I know this sounds strange and strangely infertility-related, but I have to do this. It’s the only way that I will be able to make it through however much longer we have before we get the two-legged non-furry child that we want. I can’t keep avoiding them and getting depressed.

I’ve spent a lot of time questioning myself about why I get so envious of women who are pregnant and mostly it is because it is something I haven’t managed to do. So, it really is about me, not them. When I remind myself of this, I can at least understand the feeling even though I can’t eliminate it. Some days, though, I am just too raw around the edges that no matter what I tell myself, it still hurts. I’m also coming to understand that I am jealous of the experience that they are having not necessarily the final outcome. I haven’t figured out how to get through that, but recognizing it is still an important step.

So, there you have it. The progress report as of now. I can’t check any of these goals off the list, but I’ve made strides on each one. Onward and upward!
images from top to bottom: Copleys, CarbonNYC, Sugar Pond, *S4N7Y* !, 9-lives

4 Comments leave one →
  1. May 5, 2008 12:38 am

    Well Tigger thanks you for the shout out!
    I must admit for all her sweet cuteness, she had some trouble adjusting to the new sleep schedule since I’ve had the stomach ick. So in her boredom, she discovered the tomato seedlings as evidenced by the muddy foot prints!!!

    I wish I had saved all my grandmother’s bridge books (she had tons)…I would have sent them to you!! My grandmother LOVED bridge and BEGGED me to learn to play. I hope you get to learn (I haven’t yet, but it is somewhere on my list).

    I love your onward and upward attitude!!! Keep on keeping on.

    And a big hug from the Tigger!

  2. Emily permalink
    May 7, 2008 8:25 am

    Wow. Sounds like you actually accomplished a lot more in a few months than I have in 4 years! So very proud of you!

    Now, I guess I’ve gotta show some progress …

  3. shinejil permalink
    May 8, 2008 1:41 pm

    Great progress, Mrs. X. Especially on the Sweetie front. Talking and savoring each other’s company is the best salve ever. I guess that’s why we bother to pair up.

    I really related to your thoughts on how the envy and pain is all about you, and somehow dissociating your emotions from another person’s being is helpful. It doesn’t make it hurt less, but it helps make things clearer and eliminate (for me at least) the concurrent guilt.

    I wish I could invite you out for a good long walk!

  4. JellyBelly permalink
    May 11, 2008 9:20 pm

    i admire all of the progress that you’ve made.

    you’ve inspired me to do some positive thinking!

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